=========================================================
“Whenever God closes one door, He
(She) opens another,
although
sometimes it’s hell in the hallway!”
(Thank you, Sue!)
============================================== 5 BOYFRIENDS!!! I am seeing 5 boyfriends every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John Then Charlie Horse comes along,... & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben Gay
What a life. Oh,
yes, I'm also
flirting with
Al Zymer! I am thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company if life gets too stressful. Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper... the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think good thoughts only, learn to laugh at yourself, and count your blessings!!!
==========================================================
|
The Fix
BEST
THING I HAVE HEARD YET.....From a senior citizen around 80 yrs. of
age.
We aren't useless yet.
There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg, Fl.
Times.
The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy?" I think this guy nailed it!
==========================================================================
Dear Mr. President, Please find below my suggestion for fixing America's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan": There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed. 2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed. 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed. It can't get any easier than that!! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes.. Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto! If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know!!! |
_____________________________________________________________________
Church Ladies With typewriters.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS & TYPOS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off
- let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will
not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and
don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for
the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM
- prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off
clothing of every kind. They may be seen
in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
of the Congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the
First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
_______________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
 |
| Happy Birthday to me....OR....You light up my life!!! |
__________________________________________________________
O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
_________________________________________________________________________
Royal Wedding Pics
______________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
\
\
No comments:
Post a Comment