SMFairytales: Space Junk: Duck & Cover

It seems we have made it through the falling satellite episode safe and sound; BUT…are we really safe? Good Question. The U.S. Satellite System Network is currently tracking 8,000 satellites. Since Sputnik was launched there have been over 26,000 objects tracked.

To make a long story short, there are 7, 999 more to go! Be forewarned!

Space vessels and debris are not new to today’s culture. I’m only mentioning this now because I feel you should be prepared for all possible occurrences in this genre what with the remaining satellites, meteors, UFOs and aging commercial passenger planes.

Let’s take a look at our recent past for inspiration. Remember when Ray Walston became “My Favorite Martian” by crashing on this planet? And let’s not forget Mork from Ork crashing in Boulder, CO from Mork & Mindy fame. There’s also the huggable crash-landed friends from E.T. and ALF.

Independence Day and Flight of the Navigator gave us another reason to look towards the skies more carefully. Yes, more crashed aircraft. Don’t get me started about ‘Area 51’. It seems Henny Penny isn’t the only one noticing the sky is falling.

Now there are ways of going about protecting one’s self from this space junk. The most popular idea seems to be the metal headgear approach ranging from colanders to foil caps. These are not for the heaviest falling objects from space, but protection from the approach of any possible mind controlling devices that are still active while entering our atmosphere. Technically speaking, we should probably be wearing them now while the other 7,999 satellites are still working properly! Let’s review some of the most popular styles of headgear.

First, please refer to the 1950’s style rounded, see-through helmet with side sound enhancers and antennae as worn by Ed Norton on the Honeymooners. Ralph seems to have mixed emotions. Research does not indicate a breathing chamber. I’ll keep you posted. Next we have the more updated version modeled after the ‘Keymaster’ headgear from Ghostbusters. These two styles meet minimum safety requirements for a medium-to-heavy metal impact by space junk.

We shall now review the secondary style of the popular foil cap as seen in the movie Signs. Due to the flexible nature of the material, it will adjust to any size head. The pointed top will adjust the electro- magnetic force field around your head’s cranial vortex. With a little initiative, you can change direction (north, south, east and west) to redirect any unwanted energy. It is theorized that spinning in place will increase the energy field around you. This is just a theory as those who have volunteered their efforts got quite dizzy and fell down. Please use your best judgment when putting this theory to a test. Depending on your expertise in the electrical field, you may add a row of lights around the bottom perimeter for better night vision. If this technical talent eludes you, please carry a flashlight at night. Laugh if you will, but there are actually instructions on ‘ehow.com’ for constructing a foil hat.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2049858_make-tinfoil-hat.html

If you are seriously concerned about falling debris, there should be a secondary protocol in place. Please take a practical approach to your personal welfare. Have a plan in advance. Practice when you can. You must note that there are no Emergency Broadcasting System notices being flashed on our TVs or radios, therefore you must rely on your own initiative. In the past, ducking under a table or desk was recommended. It seems to be the mainstay of the ‘Duck-N-Cover-Method’ of self-preservation.

If you still have concerns, ask for directions to a shelter. Our own Major Mudd was a man of vision as seen in this photo. He knew about space and stuff; a leader to be admired from our childhood years…an out-of-this-world kind of guy! Don’t forget…IBBY…”I’ll Be Blasting You!” Now THAT was a motto!

I don’t want to be a harbinger of misfortune, but when we do not heed the warnings, graver events can happen. All I have to say about this is…War of the Worlds, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Day the Earth Stood Still

Please note, not all crashes have a negative impact. There was a very historical crash long, long ago and this has created for us a hero and symbol of truth, justice and the American way. He also looks good in tights! This is a good thing. J

If this is overwhelming, please don’t panic. Do what the cool guys do….. wear sunglasses. That’s right, get a pair of shades for every and all emergencies. It worked for K and J in MIB. It’ll work for you too.